Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Armed only with a flexible twig........and doubtless many eggs

Yes, that's right, it's Hallowe'en and the trick or treaters are ready and armed to the teeth with eggs, pumpkins and probably bricks if they can smuggle them out too.

Hallowe'en is reported to be the night of the year with the most emergency (999) and less dangerous calls (101) made, according to police control rooms.

However, Sussex police, amongst others have come up with a master plan which they expect will make the 31st of October the least dangerous night of the year. Recently, they published their Hallowe'en advice book, which advises children to wear short cloaks and robes ' in case they trip up on them'. More advice includes 'don't use a sharp knife to cut your pumpkin.'

Other problems are also evident. 'Warwickshire Trading Standards is on the lookout for shops selling broomsticks made from "real sticks that could choke a child" '.

Asda is bringing in measures that deny children the right to buy eggs in large quantities from their stores. Another quote: 'Asda has instructed its checkout staff to refuse 'bulk buys'. "A box of eggs bought with a loaf of bread and some milk is fine but 10 boxes of eggs on their own – forget it," said a spokesman.'

The Home Office, that wise fountain of wisdom, has decided, against tradition, to allow 280 or so pagans in HM's prisons to celebrate too. A spokesman said: "They will be allowed a hoodless robe, flexible twig and rune stones."

Source: The Daily Telegraph

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Islamic Pigs (Al-Qaeda's Latest Recruits?)

No before anyone comments on my exceptionally racist post title, it isn't to be taken literally. You see i meant it in the literal sense, not the metaphor. I today read in my local newspaper that pigs had savagely attacked an anti-terrorist policeman with a dog, who were checking out the New Forest(?) for terrorism in the area.

I quote:

"Pig attacks in the New Forest have prompted safety warnings after a fallen rider was attacked, and a police officer and his dog checking for terrorists were chased by the herd."

The pigs are feared to be the latest in a long line of Islamic converts.

Jack Straw said that the motives of the pigs would have been clearer if they had removed their veils, and that the police officer would have been entitled to "shoot-to-kill." He can also be quoted saying:

"Pigs are very intelligent and inquisitive and usually friendly. They should have made it clearer that they wouldn't have attacked if the policeman and the rider had stayed still. The motives of the pigs seem harmless enough and they won't receive the death penalty."

He also states that it was made harder to communicate with the pigs when the policeman couldn't see their face.

Another line of inquiry that is being investigated is that the pigs, under Al-Qaeda's command, were clearing the area in the New Forest of people that could discover the latest bomb attempt. The policeman was actually an MI5 operative sent to go undercover at the nuclear bomb factory, believed to be deep in the heart of the Forest. Upon entry to the secret facility, he was brutally assualted by pigs and left for dead.

So there's the latest conspiracy uncovered for all to see. :)


Friday, October 13, 2006

Iraq Reporter Unlawfully Killed


But isn't every death in that war unlawful? How about the 655,000 dead Iraqi civilians? Or the 2785 dead US soldiers?